How involved should your in-laws be in your marriage?

It is often said that when you get married, you marry a family, not just a person. For some couples, this is more true than with others and they find themselves dealing with in-laws who want to be involved with every aspect of their lives.

While it is definitely helpful to have the support of your in-laws when it comes to your marriage, many people struggle with setting boundaries regarding how involved your in-laws should be in your marriage.
The following tips are a few do's and don'ts that will help you determine how involved your in-laws should be in your marriage and what you can do if you feel they are overstepping their bounds.

• Don't involve your in-laws in your fights. You should never involve your parents or your spouse's parents in the fights and squabbles you have as a married couple. These are personal between you and your spouse. Not only that, but there are two sides to every story, and your spouse isn't there to give his or her side. Marital fights tend to blow over and couples forgive each other, but turning to your parents because you are upset with your spouse only leads them to resent and dislike your spouse long after you have forgiven and moved on.
• Do be friends with your in-laws. It's possible to have good adult friendships with people of different generations and even with in-laws. Work to maintain a friendly relationship with your in-laws, but steer clear of touchy subjects that many in-laws want to give advice about but should be dealt with as a couple only, such as financial issues, raising children, and trust issues.
• Do set boundaries. If you don't like your in-laws dropping in every day just to "check up" on things, or if you think they are calling too late, or giving unwarranted advice about grandkids, let them know in a polite way that your home is not open to them at all hours, or that if you want their advice, you will seek them out.
• Don't say anything out of anger. If you have a problem with your in-laws and their involvement in your marriage, or if they are meddling in a very personal aspect of your marriage, telling them in a nice way to back off often has a more successful outcome when done by the spouse to his or her parents, rather than you.
• Do be independent. With the economy in the state that it is, many couples have turned to their parents or in-laws for help. When you live in the same home as your in-laws, or you accept their offer of free babysitting while you work, you are in a way setting yourself up and can expect a higher level of involvement than if you maintained your independence as a couple.
• Don't criticize. Even after marriage, a spouse feels loyalty to his or her family or marriage. Avoid saying mean things about your in-laws, as this will only force your spouse to take sides or resent you. Instead, have a calm talk about how their involvement bothers you, and ask them to speak with your in-laws about it.

Your in-laws can be a great source of support in your marriage. However, they can also cause tension if they become too involved. These are a few things you can do to maintain a good relationship with your in-laws without them becoming too involved.